Teary Eyes and Dirty Hair

My grandmother, on my father’s side, died around 1990. The key to that last sentence “around”. I can’t even remember what year it was. I have this uncanny ability to sweep unpleasantness away in the blink of an eye. I would dream about her every now and then but it wasn’t until many years later that I looked at an early picture of her and realized I looked almost exactly like her – even down to the round spectacles. I don’t think I ever really fully came to terms with the fact that she’s gone. I started having more vivid dreams of her in the past few years, and being really sad and even a little angry.

About a week before I was dumped my friend Ashli died. She was much too young, it was an accident, and I’m angry. I didn’t get to go to the memorial because I was away. I wonder if that would have got me on track with dealing with her death. I dunno.

I found out today that an acquaintance of about 16 years died the other day. He wasn’t actually a” friend”, but he was a person I sort of saw “grow up”, and he too was much too young. He was handsome and sweet and a really smart organizer. I don’t even know how to deal with the fact that I totally respected all his work and art yet hadn’t seen even him in about 6 years. How do you mourn a person like that?

My physical reaction time is pretty quick… my emotional reaction time is really really slow…

If I’m only now starting to have trickles of real mourning for my grandmother come through, what does that mean for my emotions around Ashli and Will? And will I forever be scarred because I can’t get through my emotions around my ex?

The peas are still getting bigger in the garden. I haven’t grown vegetables since 1994. I thought it was a crap shoot that anything would grow but so far I have 4″ pea plants and the sunflowers are starting to push through.

Broken Heart Vegan Tip #7: Someone done die on you!? How could they do that to you?! Didn’t they know you needed them? Didn’t they know they couldn’t be replaced!? I am joking… but partly it’s true right? You have these feelings of anger and helplessness. Well, unfortunately it’s not going to end! As you get older more and more people around you are going to die. And there’s nothing you can do about it. But you can try to figure yourself out so it doesn’t crush you each time. Do something different, learn something about yourself so you don’t end up a teary dirty lump on your bed. Or just listen to some crushing D-Beat to get out all your anger:

Broken Heart Song #7 (upon searching for this, I found out the lead singer died in 2007. Geezus… it’s just not my year…)


May 25, 2010. Uncategorized.


  1. Moviem@tica replied:

    I fight this ‘death consciousness’ by spending time with people who I love and by saying always what I feel and what I think.
    I need to know that, whatever could happen, I don’t have nothing ‘pending’, I don’t have outstanding questions or desires. I live my present.

  2. S replied:

    I wonder these things too.


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